tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5349108312895531782023-11-15T22:28:31.377-08:00Bacon the Robot Monkey vs. the Republicans!Putting monkeyshines back into politics!Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-39231709752860769952008-09-07T09:05:00.000-07:002008-09-07T09:07:40.931-07:00HiatusFun is fun, but my political addiction and this blog are not contributing to productive writing time. Please check out <a href="http://www.jordanharper.com/">my actual website</a> to see my non-Bacon related work. And don't worry, Bacon will return.Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-47010543932694171442008-08-30T17:20:00.000-07:002008-08-30T17:23:31.509-07:00Two days of headlines, two months of headaches ...Bacon and I are still laughing too hard to put together anything on Sarah Palin. We do think that the new Obama ad, which doesn't even mention her, is very smart. The pick is so awful that the media will take care of it. <a href="http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/08/the-backlash-cometh-msm-opeds.php">Check out this collection of today's editorials</a>.Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-75391121469245959122008-08-30T08:57:00.000-07:002008-08-30T08:59:01.778-07:00Bacon can't stop laughing ...Seriously? Here's one supporter's defense of Sarah Palin ... <a href="http://theamericanscene.com/2008/08/29/ru-experienced">if McCain dies, surely she would step aside and pick someone else to be president</a>. More later. Hey, donate to Obama on the right, huh?Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-3509638021539497492008-08-29T09:38:00.000-07:002008-08-29T09:40:18.265-07:00Bacon sez: Are you kidding me?<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/IwWGS73v4_k&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/IwWGS73v4_k&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />NEWSFLASH: McCain picks VP with ties to Big Oil, who is anti-choice (even in cases of rape and incest) and is being investigated right now for corruption.Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-79467833019006525562008-08-28T16:12:00.000-07:002008-08-28T16:24:59.454-07:00Bacon and I get ready for the big speech.Ready for the big night? I've got plenty of food set up for the show (apple butter and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moxie">Moxie</a> for Bacon, pizza and Italian blood-orange soda for me). Bacon's zipping around West Hollywood in his rocket shorts burning off some excess energy.<br /><a href="http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2008/08/28/democrats-plan-mccain-birthday-bashes-in-battlegrounds/"><br />Don't forget what tomorrow is either</a>!Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-9406296035090528432008-08-28T08:30:00.000-07:002008-08-28T08:37:57.054-07:00Bacon sez: Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome is the pits!Being a robot monkey, Bacon doesn't have many medical problems. Sure, occasionally we have to hose some excess apple butter out of his intestinal track, but he's pretty much ship-shape. But that doesn't stop Bacon from reading all the medical websites he can find. He enjoys learning about polyps, beriberi and all the other fun things that can happen to the body.<br /><br />So yesterday, before we settled in to watch the convention, Bacon showed me some research he'd done on Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I could see what Bacon was getting at -- does John McCain suffer from this problem?<br /><br />It's a fair question. <a href="http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1200/is_n5_v139/ai_9861071">Studies suggest</a> that as many as nine out of ten <a href="http://allpsych.com/journal/pow.html">POWs suffer from PTSS</a>. McCain was beaten and tortured for years (far longer than the average of 28-months in the study that gives us the 90% result).<br /><br />While only an open record of McCain's <a href="http://wizbangblue.com/2008/08/05/mccain-attempted-suicide-twice-but-wont-release-his-mental-health-records-during-this-campaign.php">mental health history</a> and <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeffrey-klein/mccains-secret-questionab_b_107409.html">military records</a> can answer the question for sure, the best we can do now is take a look at the symptoms of the disease and how they relate to McCain. <a href="http://www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic_stress_disorder/page3.htm#signs">Symptoms include</a>:<br /><br />"chronic physical signs of hyperarousal, including <a href="http://www.jedreport.com/2008/08/john-mccain-say.html">sleep problems</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWX5u69hmzY">trouble concentrating</a>, <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/19/AR2008041902224_pf.html">irritability</a>, <a href="http://rawstory.com/news/2008/McCain_temper_boiled_over_in_92_0407.html">anger</a>, <a href="http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/8/10/04323/9092/889/565590">poor concentration</a>, blackouts or <a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN2229072120080822">difficulty</a> <a href="http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/03/19/mccain-mistakenly-says-iran-allowing-al-qaeda-fighters-into-country-later-corrects-error/">remembering</a> <a href="http://www.thecarpetbaggerreport.com/archives/16270.html">things</a>, <a href="http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/04/brief-history-of-john-mccains.php">increased tendency and reaction to being startled</a>, and <a href="http://www.reason.com/news/show/128142.html">hypervigilance to threat</a>."<br /><br />Considering that nine out of ten POWs suffer from PTSS, and given how many of its symptoms fit McCain, why isn't this a part of the discussion about his fitness to be president? I know someone who suffers from PTSS, and he'd be the first to tell you he shouldn't be president.<br /><p></p>Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-45155437648352061982008-08-24T17:31:00.001-07:002008-08-24T17:31:57.821-07:00Bacon Teevee Presents: John McCain!<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Svmd6ps1BMc&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Svmd6ps1BMc&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-85543429056068875062008-08-22T10:08:00.000-07:002008-08-22T10:10:49.329-07:00Bacon Teevee Presents: The Fabulous Life of John McCainI had to put <span style="font-weight:bold;">Bacon</span> into a <span style="font-weight:bold;">cone of silence</span> today while I get some other writing done. Enjoy this short film in the meanwhile.<br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_7PfSEtiXPw&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_7PfSEtiXPw&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-33374364711113263752008-08-22T08:21:00.000-07:002008-08-22T08:24:06.811-07:00Bacon asks: How many houses does McCain own?<a href="http://tpmelectioncentral.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/08/how_many_houses_does_mccain_ow.php">It depends on what the meaning of "owns" is</a>.Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-48932838878801645302008-08-21T13:09:00.001-07:002008-08-21T13:11:03.320-07:00Bacon loves poop jokesThe New York Times sez: <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/20/us/politics/20veep.html?ei=5124&en=365e9c7a2bccacf9&ex=1376971200&adxnnl=1&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink&adxnnlx=1219349314-NfANDo+euKNfE0PkvWiqug">Talk of McCain's No. 2 Concerns Conservatives</a>.<br /><br />Tee-hee. Via <a href="http://talkingpointsmemo.com/">TPM</a>.Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-813701663506690132008-08-21T10:49:00.000-07:002008-08-21T11:18:20.827-07:00Bacon Presents: Two-Face John McCain<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqeI4RGWUvNByF5VbqNruJxrQjWdDf4IHrQ33b5uZsfbCfLJ3YyMd_hiPpnzt4z8-kdytwpl8KDzyZoEOZR2fQxBbvZD3mhxadW49hiF-IiKs3ymzAj7vGRjG0Vs1zwM1lWQtK7UU9Oks/s1600-h/13TwoFace1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqeI4RGWUvNByF5VbqNruJxrQjWdDf4IHrQ33b5uZsfbCfLJ3YyMd_hiPpnzt4z8-kdytwpl8KDzyZoEOZR2fQxBbvZD3mhxadW49hiF-IiKs3ymzAj7vGRjG0Vs1zwM1lWQtK7UU9Oks/s320/13TwoFace1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5237030955662421410" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bacon</span>, being a <span style="font-weight: bold;">robot monkey</span>, has the brainpower of the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Bat-Computer</span> mixed with a love of chaos that would make the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Joker</span> blanch. So it's no wonder than when it came time to find a single unifying storyline for the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Obama</span> camp to affix to <span style="font-weight: bold;">John McCain</span>, Bacon suggested a <span style="font-weight: bold;">comic-book supervillian</span>.<br /><br />First, a quick word about why the "celebrity" label has been so effective for the McCain camp. It works because it is a simple, single-word phrase that allows the Republicans to attack Obama in several different ways while sticking to a core message. They can say Obama isn't experienced enough ... what celebrity is experienced enough to be president. They can say he's an elitist, that he's out of touch, that his supporters are mere <span style="font-weight: bold;">fanboys</span>. It's really pretty brilliant.<br /><br />The Obama camp has totally failed to do the same to John McCain. They've hit him with a huge number of attacks, from his temper to his oil-based-energy policies to his latest house-gaffe. But they haven't been able to affix a single word or phrase to McCain that encapsulates all of these attacks. Bacon, the little monkey robot genius, has.<br /><br />"<span style="font-weight: bold;">Two-Face</span>."<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOoPuv0leT3Xh8V0yUhxVb-jKHKNpu_bdb34lV709M_smmapTEngsOiZC4-npwfmFpm2q9t2eNpmHfnofi7mVoZuEWSeUp8xUhkeuYIKPmnKV06BuWLJ78R7a9b3CXMVF9iym5erWfCy0/s1600-h/john_mccainangry.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOoPuv0leT3Xh8V0yUhxVb-jKHKNpu_bdb34lV709M_smmapTEngsOiZC4-npwfmFpm2q9t2eNpmHfnofi7mVoZuEWSeUp8xUhkeuYIKPmnKV06BuWLJ78R7a9b3CXMVF9iym5erWfCy0/s320/john_mccainangry.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5237036320889551186" border="0" /></a><br /><br />By calling McCain Two-Face you at once attack him at his strongest point of being a "straight-shooter" while allowing several avenues of attack. You can hit him for his lobbying ties, wealth, anger, dishonesty, all under the guise of him being "two-faced." A two-faced person is erratic. A two-faced person pretends to be folksy while living in seven or ten houses. A two-faced person pretends to want the best for America while planning for several more wars.<br /><br />Hell, even a <a href="http://bacontherobotmonkey.blogspot.com/2008/08/bacon-presents-why-john-mccains-comb.html">comb-over</a> is two-faced.<br /><br />I think Bacon is on to something here. And if someone with more photoshop skills than either of us could meld this photo with another McCain face, they'd have a wicked Two-Face campaign poster.<br /><br />Nice work, Bacon. Put on your rocket-shorts, we're going to see <span style="font-style: italic;">The Dark Knight</span> again.Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-58308343509656322052008-08-21T10:10:00.000-07:002008-08-21T10:16:37.952-07:00Bacon knows what John McCain is going through<span style="font-weight:bold;">Bacon</span> doesn't know how many jars of <span style="font-weight:bold;">apple butter</span> he owns. It's five, by the way.<br /><br />The really beautiful part of <a href="http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/08/21/dems-jump-on-mccains-house-gaffe/">this attack</a> is that the <span style="font-weight:bold;">Obama camp</span> is wrong about the number of houses McCain owns. It's not seven; it's ten. But let's see the Republicans attack them for being inaccurate about <span style="font-style:italic;">that</span>. Right, Bacon? Hey, Bacon, don't do that!<br /><br />Four. Bacon now owns four jars of apple butter.<br /><br />Oh, Bacon!<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ycIq8GeDxfo&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ycIq8GeDxfo&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-27199313059080185222008-08-20T16:52:00.000-07:002008-08-20T16:52:51.118-07:00The Robot Monkey Mashup Theatre Presents: Maverick!Bacon, being a modern living-in-the-now kind of robot monkey, is one of the leading creator of Internet Mashup Theater. Rather than explain it, I'll just show you his latest piece, called <span style="font-style: italic;">John McCain as Maverick!<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjGFZGPVzFzRhYZ0LHldBABcO1RdMeU4BrNWwllrdvvSVXD2t6evu_QDfIaYbukfbdu5hQGO5JPm1NQaeVdrC8vpwQkb3gNgyElSd5jbatqL6WIAttAQSlpWsbydRF4b3C7e6bbl-5uyg/s1600-h/lovescene.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjGFZGPVzFzRhYZ0LHldBABcO1RdMeU4BrNWwllrdvvSVXD2t6evu_QDfIaYbukfbdu5hQGO5JPm1NQaeVdrC8vpwQkb3gNgyElSd5jbatqL6WIAttAQSlpWsbydRF4b3C7e6bbl-5uyg/s320/lovescene.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5236748067574427586" border="0" /></a> "<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/07/report-mccains-profane-ti_n_95429.html">At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt</a>."<br /></div><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span>Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-70502197763808483442008-08-20T08:42:00.000-07:002008-08-20T09:35:17.016-07:00Don't Join the Bacon the Robot Monkey Death CultI awoke this morning from a dream, in which many of <span style="font-weight: bold;">the girls I went to high school with</span> were critiquing just how fat I'd become, to the sounds of a <span style="font-weight: bold;">robot monkey</span> sobbing. As a robot monkey, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Bacon</span> may have the brainpower of <span style="font-weight: bold;">Doc Brown</span> but he's also got the emotional stability of <span style="font-weight: bold;">Liza Minnelli</span>. So its not much of a surprise that I caught him this morning contemplating suicide by eating an entire bag of <a href="http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/taste_test_mountain_dew_quest">Mountain Dew-flavored Doritos</a>.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivuVc8QhR5mCRhMjhlEkELRO8JWy8w2mLY6s8eTFwkErWiBMdHnEIfUuiF4IQ8vUgxyAsS9Cxef582lLO2QO6oopTG9KdRHkHKnt_2lC1cyQTZHWctFuS-8hT8o82-N5_qdlFuGGQF8H4/s1600-h/MonkeySad.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivuVc8QhR5mCRhMjhlEkELRO8JWy8w2mLY6s8eTFwkErWiBMdHnEIfUuiF4IQ8vUgxyAsS9Cxef582lLO2QO6oopTG9KdRHkHKnt_2lC1cyQTZHWctFuS-8hT8o82-N5_qdlFuGGQF8H4/s320/MonkeySad.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5236639071678252674" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I asked him what the matter was. Bacon can't speak, being a robot monkey, but he did a little dance that conveyed the following: "I am extremely disheartened by the way the election has been going in the last month, and furthermore I am starting to be convinced that the idiotic <span style="font-weight: bold;">Republican</span> strategy of branding <span style="font-weight: bold;">Obama</span> as a 'celebrity' <a href="http://tpmelectioncentral.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/08/poll_mccain_takes_national_lea.php">is effective</a> precisely because it is so idiotic and that American would rather have a '<a href="http://www.rawstory.com/news/2008/McCain_temper_boiled_over_in_92_0407.html">cunt</a>'-spewing <a href="http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/01/27/famed_mccain_temper_is_tamed/">cranky</a> <a href="http://bacontherobotmonkey.blogspot.com/2008/08/bacon-presents-why-john-mccains-comb.html">comb-over-wearing</a> sleazy-used-car-salesman of a man as president and maybe they deserve one too."<br /><br />(Really, it was a very good dance). Anyway, I sat down with Bacon, gave him some <span style="font-weight: bold;">apple-butter</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold;">mango tea</span>, and we made a list of things that discouraged Democrats can do instead of committing mass suicide before the convention.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1). Donate</span><br />Almost all of my money goes into keeping Bacon in good running order, but I've still managed to throw Obama a few bucks. Have you? Here's a <a href="http://my.barackobama.com/page/outreach/view/main/bacontherobotmonkey">page</a> where you can donate in Bacon's name, or you can <a href="http://my.barackobama.com/page/outreach/login/main">set up your own page</a> to harass your <span style="font-weight: bold;">friends</span> into giving.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2). Volunteer</span><br />Obama can afford to be a few points down if he keeps up his vaunted ground game. That takes money and it takes volunteers. So quit watching the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Olympics</span> and <a href="http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/actioncenter">get out there</a>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3). Quit obsessing over polls</span><br />I like reading <a href="http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/">538</a>, but it's responsible for up to 51% of my daily panic attacks. Fluctuations in polls are no reason to get back on the Xanax.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4). Start a blog about how you and your robot monkey are getting involved in the fight</span><br />Okay, this one is already taken, but Bacon wanted me to put it down anyway.<br /><br />See, Bacon, don't you feel better now? Doing something constructive is always better than sitting around letting your panic take hold. Now why don't you put on your <span style="font-weight: bold;">rocket-shorts</span> and take a spin around the neighborhood? No, outside, Bacon! Outside! No, not through the screen door!<br /><br />Oh, Bacon!Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-33181446329873090172008-08-19T11:54:00.000-07:002008-08-19T15:30:12.079-07:00The Eminem-Bugliosi DefenseAfter an unfortunate incident involving a <span style="font-weight: bold;">gallon of barbecue sauce</span> and some <span style="font-weight: bold;">c</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">herry bombs</span>, I had to put <span style="font-weight: bold;">Bacon</span> in a "<span style="font-weight: bold;">cone of silence</span>" for a little while the other day. That means no <span style="font-weight: bold;">rocket-shorts</span>, no <span style="font-weight: bold;">apple butter</span>, nothing. I used the quiet time to watch some teevee and wound up watching the battle-rap finale of the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Eminem</span> movie <span style="font-style: italic;">8 Mile</span>. I was getting into it when Bacon came up to me, holding his copy of <span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.reclaiminghistory.com/">Reclaiming History</a></span> (which his robot monkey brain had finished in ten minutes) and a photo of Obama. I got what Bacon was saying instantly.<br /><br />What do Eminem and <span style="font-style: italic;">Reclaiming History</span> author <span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span>Vincent Bugliosi</span> have in common? They both understand that sometimes the best offense is to attack yourself.<br /><br /><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Q9xBnnmucSU&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Q9xBnnmucSU&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br />Prosecutors always go first in trials, and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5IrRe2F7qY">Charles Manson</a>-prosecutor Bugliosi understands the advantage that gives him. If there's something that he knows the defense is going to jump on, he introduces it himself first, no matter how bad it is. His theory is that if he says it first, it will have no power when his opposition uses it later on. It's exactly the method used by Eminem in his final battle against <span style="font-weight: bold;">Papa Doc</span>.<br /><br />Placing the conventions back-to-back could work out great for <span style="font-weight: bold;">Obama</span> if he can 1). define himself for the media while 2). completely deflating the Republican attacks that will be coming the week after. Also, note that Papa Doc is a very Republican figure himself: a wealthy man posing as a hardscrabble leader who uses his opponent's skin color against him.<br /><br />Barack Obama is smarter than me, and while he may not be as smart as Bacon, I doubt as much of his brainpower is devoted to <span style="font-weight: bold;">monkeyshines</span>. So I'm sure he's aware of this technique, and I look forward to watching it be put into play next week.<br /><br />I was so proud of Bacon for pointing it out to me, I let him out of the cone of silence and gave him back his rocket-shorts. Now he's just taking some practice loops on the back porch. Hey, Bacon, is that the <span style="font-weight: bold;">neighbor's cat</span>? Bacon, cats can't fly! Bacon, look out!<br /><br />Oh, Bacon!Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-82952496994063066702008-08-18T21:16:00.000-07:002008-08-19T09:53:25.529-07:00Bacon sez: McCain is pooing in the tub!Okay, if you were inventing and building a <span style="font-weight: bold;">robot monkey</span>, you probably wouldn't make a digestive system complete with <span style="font-weight: bold;">robot-monkey poo</span>. But I wanted <span style="font-weight: bold;">Bacon</span> to feel as much like a real monkey as possible, so he eats and poos just like a real primate. What I didn't take into account is that Bacon has toddler's love of turd flinging combined with the accuracy of a <span style="font-weight: bold;">guided missle system</span>. It can get pretty gross.<br /><br />But Bacon knows from poo. So when the little fellah showed me a picture of John McCain followed by this video, I knew he was trying to tell me something.<br /><br /><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/jD_VXBuQ_5I&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/jD_VXBuQ_5I&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br />After a few minutes of wacky miming on Bacon's part, I figured it out. Much like the similarly white-haired polar bear, McCain is dropping a cloudy load into the pool every time he does some dirt to Obama like <a href="http://tpmelectioncentral.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/08/speaking_to_veterans_obama_dir.php">questioning his patriotism</a>. When you poo in the tub, it makes everything cloudy, and while other people in the tub can scold you for being nasty, they're still covered in poo. That previous sentence encapsulates the entire Republican electoral mindset.<br /><br />Obama is too cool a dude to cop a squat in public, which is part of his appeal. Bacon, however, <a href="http://bacontherobotmonkey.blogspot.com/2008/08/bacon-presents-why-john-mccains-comb.html">is not</a>. Are you? No, Bacon, I don't need a demonstration. Out of the tub, Bacon! Don't do it ...<br /><br />Oh, Bacon!Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-23262450620838387372008-08-18T08:29:00.000-07:002008-08-18T15:34:25.214-07:00Bacon presents: Why John McCain's comb-over says everything about him.Being a <span style="font-weight: bold;">robot monkey</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Bacon</span> is both the best and worst research assistant I could have. His computational skills allow him to delve into deep pools of data. However, his love of monkeyshines means often all he brings back are pictures of <a href="http://images.google.com/images?q=apple%20butter&ie=UTF-8&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&sa=N&tab=wi">apple butter</a>. And today when I asked him to help me find pictures of <span style="font-weight: bold;">John McCain</span>'s <span style="font-weight: bold;">comb-over</span>, Bacon went and hid in the toilet. Maybe it's because one time Bacon caught the top of his head on fire. Or maybe it's because John McCain's comb-over tells you everything you need to know about the man, and it's not pretty. Literally.<br /><br />1). <span style="font-weight: bold;">It's dishonest</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0L8P-wNaK2EBnQI_Dg1cfMpt_1BwzV5sl-DlB2AESfgpo7hzwPp1VB1PHArLoHiBOHFucfFQEJ9bjK0IX1mkOIRAKfDxXfcmXfJCXgk0-jxDz9QOrxYXkCdET6aTrtWMtKadICcAtFvo/s1600-h/mccain+combover-mid.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 286px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0L8P-wNaK2EBnQI_Dg1cfMpt_1BwzV5sl-DlB2AESfgpo7hzwPp1VB1PHArLoHiBOHFucfFQEJ9bjK0IX1mkOIRAKfDxXfcmXfJCXgk0-jxDz9QOrxYXkCdET6aTrtWMtKadICcAtFvo/s320/mccain+combover-mid.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5235908404168819426" border="0" /></a><br />When a man sports a comb-over, he gets up every morning and pastes a <span style="font-weight: bold;">lie</span> to the top of his skull. It's a slicked-over <span style="font-weight: bold;">crown of falsehood</span> placed directly over the brain, where its <span style="font-weight: bold;">fib juice</span> can slowly drip down, basting the noggin with a marinade of untruths. Every glance in the mirror: a lie. Every photograph: a lie. <span style="font-style: italic;">I am not bald</span>, his skull whispers. <span style="font-style: italic;">I sprout hair from every follicle.</span><br /><br />John McCain is no stranger <a href="http://wonkette.com/358941/john-mccains-long-career-of-sleazy-lies-semi+affairs--total-corruption">to l</a><a href="http://wonkette.com/358941/john-mccains-long-career-of-sleazy-lies-semi+affairs--total-corruption">iving a lie</a>. The question is, which came first? The mind full of deceit or the shellacked <span style="font-weight: bold;">Helmet of Deception</span>? The world may never know.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU3-7m2QySJYvhnAzE6Myc904fxWK8L4qRIYIgvRuUMHZp5odtEmFMwKdWkumMBsPcWPogWgdhFN0yXjD8HWs-2ePPj9HEVdVhPOqU7wWc-5dufbREuzQTG43PidGF8TPji6_TzIMLxZM/s1600-h/john_mccainangry.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU3-7m2QySJYvhnAzE6Myc904fxWK8L4qRIYIgvRuUMHZp5odtEmFMwKdWkumMBsPcWPogWgdhFN0yXjD8HWs-2ePPj9HEVdVhPOqU7wWc-5dufbREuzQTG43PidGF8TPji6_TzIMLxZM/s320/john_mccainangry.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5235922406709061394" border="0" /></a>2). <span style="font-weight: bold;">It speaks of poor character</span><br />What type of man sports a comb-over? The kind of man who scans his local paper for which bars are having a "<span style="font-weight: bold;">ladies night</span>" that night. The sort of fellow who fluffs his chest hair. The type of dude who would hit on a woman almost half his age while his disfigured wife waits for him at home. You know. A <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.cracked.com/article_15822_5-douchebag-behaviors-explained-by-science.html">douchebag</a>.</span><br /><br />A comb-over speaks of a reservoir of insecurity at the heart of a man. It suggests a man so worried about appearing weak that he might <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/aponline/19991031/aponline183823_000.htm">lash out in anger</a>. In fact, it was a remark about his thinning hair that led to McCain's infamous comeback to his wife, "<a href="http://www.rawstory.com/news/2008/McCain_temper_boiled_over_in_92_0407.html">At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.</a>"<br /><br />A bald man is a bold man. Take <a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Stewart">Patrick Stewart</a><span style="font-weight: bold;">.</span> Three years junior to McCain, he looks more than a decade younger thanks to that gleaming bald pate of his. He looks vigorous, friendly, even sexy. Patrick Stewart is pretty much the <span style="font-weight: bold;">anti-McCain</span>.<br /><br />3. <span style="font-weight: bold;">It is ham-handed</span><br />To wear a comb-over is to say you think the rest of the world is dim. It's not<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcV0OaRA05_e61JzIuV1q2K3V-O3IErsj-J7SG-acrAjFq_qvLvFVyPOR4lEi9W8Q54hIkJUMPHbIDGZGGmAaXM8iSalpv8IeYLI8UPxcMSParBUKDd0OObB94r2VQ6cEW6aFzdsEH4xI/s1600-h/Combover_patent.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcV0OaRA05_e61JzIuV1q2K3V-O3IErsj-J7SG-acrAjFq_qvLvFVyPOR4lEi9W8Q54hIkJUMPHbIDGZGGmAaXM8iSalpv8IeYLI8UPxcMSParBUKDd0OObB94r2VQ6cEW6aFzdsEH4xI/s320/Combover_patent.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5235932623017282002" border="0" /></a> a <span style="font-weight: bold;">Machiavellian move</span> to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHm_1116f_Q">grow your fringe of hair down to your chin and then comb it over your bald pate</a>. A man who thinks he can fool the world this way thinks he can win an election by slinging mud, and can manage foreign policy by declaring war on as many nations as possible as soon as possible.<br /><br />And hey, if you think that McCain always wears a ball cap outdoors to <a href="http://www.alternet.org/audits/92412/baseball_caps_and_sunscreen:_mccain%27s_melanoma_cover-up/">protect his skin</a>, think again. He's protecting himself from gusts of wind. One picture of McCain in a windstorm and this election is over.<br /><br />4). <span style="font-weight: bold;">It is out of touch</span><br />"Ageism" is a funny term. People speak about it like it's a bad thing then get angry when <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD4-ZAt8Nso">R. Kelly</a> fails to practice it. We employ ageism in this country all the time, and thank God. We don't let seven-year-olds <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iprUJeDEXUo&NR=1">drive at all</a>, and we make grandma take a vision test if she wants to keep driving. There is no shame in getting older (see Patrick Stewart above), but after a certain age your abilities to lead the free world start to trail off. If you don't understand computers, perhaps you aren't the person to blaze the path for the upcoming technology and alternative fuels revolution. And if you think the comb-over is a good hair choice, then ma<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikzMlDXkWR0YvdhusHoUiyRtBVqnvCR1RYQtwHLt2nlJAC491xxhcHOHgezj4rL_HSXxg1o5NbCXitUXwAH3B7qSGGfFOmFNI164N7uMr3R_-hfeV77z43dJreO2ytbel1mhxdWe8EeLI/s1600-h/comb-overfailure.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikzMlDXkWR0YvdhusHoUiyRtBVqnvCR1RYQtwHLt2nlJAC491xxhcHOHgezj4rL_HSXxg1o5NbCXitUXwAH3B7qSGGfFOmFNI164N7uMr3R_-hfeV77z43dJreO2ytbel1mhxdWe8EeLI/s320/comb-overfailure.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5235939330470822386" border="0" /></a>ybe you <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHGs4535W_o">don't really know what's going on in America right now</a>.<br /><br />Good lord, he can't even really pull it off anymore. Those side hairs are so long, if he combed them the other way around his skull he'd have an Amish beard. And they still show plenty o' scalp there in the front and the back. An aerial view of his head would look like a white "H".<br /><br />Okay, Bacon, we're done talking about it. You can quit hiding now. Bacon? What are you doing in there? Did you eat this whole roll of <span style="font-weight: bold;">toilet paper</span>?<br /><br />Oh, Bacon!Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-58475105479997817282008-08-17T11:58:00.000-07:002008-08-18T16:24:38.901-07:00Bacon's favorite Obama videos!<div class="body"> <p><strong>Bacon</strong>, being a <strong>robot monkey</strong>, has the intellect of <strong>Stephen Hawking</strong> and the impulse control of <strong>Amy Winehouse</strong>. That's how Bacon is able to both invent his famous <strong>rocket-shorts</strong> and get his <strong>genitals </strong>caught in the <strong>freezer door</strong>. In an attempt to keep the apartment standing, I introduced Bacon to <strong>YouTube</strong>. I have to scrub <strong>apple-butter</strong> off of the keyboard every night, but if it keeps him from trying to shave the <strong>rabbit</strong> again, I'm all for it. </p><p>Here's a collection of some of Bacon's favorite underground <strong>Obama videos</strong>. Watch them, and if you'd like to, donate your <a href="http://action.barackobama.com/page/s/volunteer" target="_blank">time</a> and <a href="http://my.barackobama.com/page/outreach/view/main/bacontherobotmonkey" target="_blank" title="Donate to Obama with Bacon!">money</a> to the campaign. I'm sure Bacon would say thanks. Right, Bac ... hey, Bacon, no rocket-shorts in the house! Hey, that <strong>sliding glass door</strong> is still closed! Watch out!</p><p>Oh, Bacon!</p><p>The Videos:</p><p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fNgA5xLxao" target="_blank">Baracky II</a></p><p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65I0HNvTDH4" target="_blank">Barack Roll</a> </p><p>"<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpBzQI_7ez8" title="How Americans' views on drugs have changed.">I inhaled frequently</a>"</p><p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQU7HRJWS1s" target="_blank" title=""oooh!"">90210 Nightmare </a>(Okay, it doesn't have anything to do with the election, but Bacon loves it.) </p><p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBfngOsvmA0" target="_blank" title="Okay, one negative one.">Approval </a></p> </div>Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-534910831289553178.post-2937112133730486692008-08-17T11:22:00.000-07:002008-08-17T13:35:18.953-07:00Meet Bacon the Robot Monkey!Several years ago I invented and built a r<span style="font-weight: bold;">obot monkey</span> who I named <span style="font-weight: bold;">Bacon</span>. With the computational abilities of <span style="font-weight: bold;">Deep Blue</span> and the fun-lovin' mania of a <span style="font-weight: bold;">toddler on Red Bull</span>, Bacon can certainly be a handful to take care of, especially when he's wearing his rocket-shorts.<br /><br />Hey, Bacon, get down from there! That <span style="font-weight: bold;">banana creme pie</span> is for after dinner.<br /><br />Sorry. Anyway, Bacon's days are usually filled with monkeyshines and calamity, but recently I noticed he's been a little down in the dumps. When I asked him what's wrong, he didn't answer -- he's a robot monkey, after all. But I saw he'd just defecated all over a recent newspaper whose main story concerned all the nasty, low-down campaigning that <span style="font-weight: bold;">John McCain</span> and the Republicans are doing this year. Bacon couldn't say it, but I could tell that the thought of another <span style="font-weight: bold;">Republican</span> in the <span style="font-weight: bold;">White House</span> nearly broke his mechanical monkey heart.<br /><br />I've never bothered giving money or spending time on a politician before, but I'm doing it now. Not just because I think Obama's pretty cool. Not just because McCain can't wait for us to get into another war or three. Or even because I'm unemployed and have some time on my hands. No, I'm doing it for Bacon, and all the other little robot monkeys and <span style="font-weight: bold;">whatnots</span> who deserve a chance to live in a pretty cool country that doesn't totally suck.<br /><br />Please take a minute to check out our page and make a donation of any size. A little scratch now could go a long way later on. Also, if you know someone who could spare ten bucks for Obama, ask them to do so, either through our page or just on their own.<br /><br /><a href="http://my.barackobama.com/page/outreach/view/main/bacontherobotmonkey" target="_blank">http://my.barackobama.com/page/outreach/view/main/bacontherobotmonkey</a><br /><br />Bacon thanks you. Hey, hold on. Bacon! Where'd you get ten pounds of chicken feathers? Put those down! Get away from that ceiling fan! Aiiiee!<br /><br />Oh, Bacon!Jordan and Baconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06527184591538099207noreply@blogger.com0