Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Don't Join the Bacon the Robot Monkey Death Cult

I awoke this morning from a dream, in which many of the girls I went to high school with were critiquing just how fat I'd become, to the sounds of a robot monkey sobbing. As a robot monkey, Bacon may have the brainpower of Doc Brown but he's also got the emotional stability of Liza Minnelli. So its not much of a surprise that I caught him this morning contemplating suicide by eating an entire bag of Mountain Dew-flavored Doritos.

I asked him what the matter was. Bacon can't speak, being a robot monkey, but he did a little dance that conveyed the following: "I am extremely disheartened by the way the election has been going in the last month, and furthermore I am starting to be convinced that the idiotic Republican strategy of branding Obama as a 'celebrity' is effective precisely because it is so idiotic and that American would rather have a 'cunt'-spewing cranky comb-over-wearing sleazy-used-car-salesman of a man as president and maybe they deserve one too."

(Really, it was a very good dance). Anyway, I sat down with Bacon, gave him some apple-butter and mango tea, and we made a list of things that discouraged Democrats can do instead of committing mass suicide before the convention.

1). Donate
Almost all of my money goes into keeping Bacon in good running order, but I've still managed to throw Obama a few bucks. Have you? Here's a page where you can donate in Bacon's name, or you can set up your own page to harass your friends into giving.

2). Volunteer
Obama can afford to be a few points down if he keeps up his vaunted ground game. That takes money and it takes volunteers. So quit watching the Olympics and get out there.

3). Quit obsessing over polls
I like reading 538, but it's responsible for up to 51% of my daily panic attacks. Fluctuations in polls are no reason to get back on the Xanax.

4). Start a blog about how you and your robot monkey are getting involved in the fight
Okay, this one is already taken, but Bacon wanted me to put it down anyway.

See, Bacon, don't you feel better now? Doing something constructive is always better than sitting around letting your panic take hold. Now why don't you put on your rocket-shorts and take a spin around the neighborhood? No, outside, Bacon! Outside! No, not through the screen door!

Oh, Bacon!

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