Bacon presents: Why John McCain's comb-over says everything about him.

Being a robot monkey, Bacon is both the best and worst research assistant I could have. His computational skills allow him to delve into deep pools of data. However, his love of monkeyshines means often all he brings back are pictures of apple butter. And today when I asked him to help me find pictures of John McCain's comb-over, Bacon went and hid in the toilet. Maybe it's because one time Bacon caught the top of his head on fire. Or maybe it's because John McCain's comb-over tells you everything you need to know about the man, and it's not pretty. Literally.

1). It's dishonest
When a man sports a comb-over, he gets up every morning and pastes a lie to the top of his skull. It's a slicked-over crown of falsehood placed directly over the brain, where its fib juice can slowly drip down, basting the noggin with a marinade of untruths. Every glance in the mirror: a lie. Every photograph: a lie. I am not bald, his skull whispers. I sprout hair from every follicle.

John McCain is no stranger to living a lie. The question is, which came first? The mind full of deceit or the shellacked Helmet of Deception? The world may never know.

2). It speaks of poor character
What type of man sports a comb-over? The kind of man who scans his local paper for which bars are having a "ladies night" that night. The sort of fellow who fluffs his chest hair. The type of dude who would hit on a woman almost half his age while his disfigured wife waits for him at home. You know. A douchebag.

A comb-over speaks of a reservoir of insecurity at the heart of a man. It suggests a man so worried about appearing weak that he might lash out in anger. In fact, it was a remark about his thinning hair that led to McCain's infamous comeback to his wife, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt."

A bald man is a bold man. Take Patrick Stewart. Three years junior to McCain, he looks more than a decade younger thanks to that gleaming bald pate of his. He looks vigorous, friendly, even sexy. Patrick Stewart is pretty much the anti-McCain.

3. It is ham-handed
To wear a comb-over is to say you think the rest of the world is dim. It's not a Machiavellian move to grow your fringe of hair down to your chin and then comb it over your bald pate. A man who thinks he can fool the world this way thinks he can win an election by slinging mud, and can manage foreign policy by declaring war on as many nations as possible as soon as possible.

And hey, if you think that McCain always wears a ball cap outdoors to protect his skin, think again. He's protecting himself from gusts of wind. One picture of McCain in a windstorm and this election is over.

4). It is out of touch
"Ageism" is a funny term. People speak about it like it's a bad thing then get angry when R. Kelly fails to practice it. We employ ageism in this country all the time, and thank God. We don't let seven-year-olds drive at all, and we make grandma take a vision test if she wants to keep driving. There is no shame in getting older (see Patrick Stewart above), but after a certain age your abilities to lead the free world start to trail off. If you don't understand computers, perhaps you aren't the person to blaze the path for the upcoming technology and alternative fuels revolution. And if you think the comb-over is a good hair choice, then maybe you don't really know what's going on in America right now.

Good lord, he can't even really pull it off anymore. Those side hairs are so long, if he combed them the other way around his skull he'd have an Amish beard. And they still show plenty o' scalp there in the front and the back. An aerial view of his head would look like a white "H".

Okay, Bacon, we're done talking about it. You can quit hiding now. Bacon? What are you doing in there? Did you eat this whole roll of toilet paper?

Oh, Bacon!